jokes thread......lolzzzzzzz

seanpaultor

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jokes thread......lolzzzzzzz

Oct 04, 2008, 07:05 AM [Reply]

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes.

But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you
kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see,
I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at
home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down
to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either.

I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there,
I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

..............................................................................................................

Amish boy and his father

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this
in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair
moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".

...........................................................................................................

Two pilots who've never flown together before are flying trans-Atlantic.
About a half hour into the flight, the Jewish pilot says to the Chinese pilot,

"I hate the Chinese."

"All Chinese?" the other pilot replies.
"How can you hate all Chinese? WHY do you hate all Chinese?"

The Jewish pilot says,
"Because they bombed Pearl Harbor, man."

The Chinese pilot says, "That wasn't us, that was the Japanese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Viet Namese-it's all the same thing."

The Chinese pilot doesn't reply for about half an hour; then he says,

"I hate Jews."

"What do you hate Jews for? What did we ever do to you?"

"You sunk the Titanic."

"You're crazy! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Rosenberg, Goldberg-it's all the same thing."

......................................................................................................

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says,

"And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says,

"What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this late, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"

Everything in life has a purpose ... For more simple it may seem, Nothing happens by chance. Be a leaf that falls,